The latest zombie thriller/vehicle for Brad Pitt’s hair, “World War Z,” is sprinkled with little intellectual tidbits and life lessons. This movie taught me so many things of which I was previously ignorant. Thank you “World War Z” for making me a better human.

**********Spoilers Ahead-You’ve Been Warned-Don’t Cry**********

1. Black People are Never to be Trusted

Gerry (Brad Pitt) gets an offer of help from Thierry (Fana Mokoena) at the United Nations. He turns the offer down because he suspects the UN has ulterior motives. Unfortunately, he has to accept his help and finds it within himself to put his trust in Thierry. Just kidding. The United Nations uses him until they think he is dead and then boot his family out into some Israeli refugee camp.

Also, during a scene in the grocery store, Gerry has to defend his wife from two would be rapists. A black police officer stumbles upon the altercation and Gerry puts his hands in the air as a passive acceptance of the officer’s assistance. In return, the officer ignores him and steals food because, you know, black people steal.

Images courtesy of Plan B Entertainment

Images courtesy of Plan B Entertainment

A wealthy man with your last name died in a plane crash and he has no surviving relatives. Trust me. I will send you the money if give me your bank info. 

2. A Little Duct Tape and a Knife can turn your gun into an Effective Bayonet

Trapped in a house with kids and low on weaponry? No problem. Just grab a Ginsu and tape it to a shotgun and jab into every undead soul around you. Don’t worry about it getting knocked off by a wacky, waving, inflatable; arm-flailing zombie because it is attached by the strongest tape man can buy.

You know what they say, “If you can’t duct it, fuck it.” That rhyme doesn’t work so well on paper.

Image courtesy of Capcom

Image courtesy of Capcom

I’ve been saying this for years! 

3. The Military would send their Greatest Scientific Hope on a Wacky Suicide Mission with a Gun

Luckily, the United Nations managed to rescue an expert in genetic science from Harvard. Surely, if anyone can, he will find a cure. Let’s give him a gun and send him across the world to a zombie infested area.

This doctor doesn’t even make it out of the hangar of the plane before accidentally blowing his head off in an accidental panic slip during a zombie attack. I guess he didn’t see the “slippery when wet” signs.

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Make sure you don’t shoot yourself in the head or the dick. 

4. Mexicans are alcoholics

This is a stereotype that the movie gleefully embraces. When Gerry and his family find refuge in the home of a Hispanic family, before any greeting is exchanged, the patriarch offers “cerveza” because that is what people look for when they are holed up and hiding from flesh-eating cannibals.

There are so many stereotypes from which the filmmakers could have chosen. For instance, they could have used some tree trimmers and lawn mowers to take out zombies. They could have developed a sauce so hot that it could melt through zombie’s heads. They could have been pelting zombies with oranges from the side of the highway.

Image courtesy of IMDB

Image courtesy of IMDB

I don’t always drink beer. Sometimes I drink tequila.

5. Zombies are like cats

Romero’s zombies were slow to the point that his characters casually talk about how you can distract them with fireworks and walk right past them. Snyder and Boyle did the unthinkable when they made their zombies run.

In “WWZ”  not only do they run, but they can also leap onto helicopters and use each other as ladders. These zombies are not only deadly, but practical.

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Believe it or not, this is NOT a scene from “Newsies”