Rock n’ Roll Fail: 10 Musical Collaborations that should not have happened

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Posted July 24, 2013 by Stanton Brasher in MUSIC
John Travolta and Olivia Newton John-youmightlikeit-redsweaters-de

The worst and most mind boggling musical collaborations of all-time

There have been some truly terrible musical collaborations. Nickleback, for instance, is a terrible musical collaboration between a generic band and an awful singer. But how about those times when mega masters of melody join forces and fist fuck the world with their awesomeness? This is how we get Walk this Way, with Run DMC and Aerosmith, and Roll me up and Smoke me when I Die, by Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg.

Unfortunately, there are also many cases where the conflicting styles of two great entities cancel each other out and sound more like a tortured imp getting butt fucked by a VW Bus. Other times, the mixing of musical (and political) ideals can turn out to be downright offensive.

In light of these recent odd pairings, I looked for some lesser known or forgotten musical collaborations between famous artists.

10.) The Fat Boys and The Beach Boys — Wipeout (1987)

In what has to be one of the most confusing videos ever made, the world’s fattest rap trio and the world’s most annoying rock band go on a beach adventure or something. I am trying to figure it out, but first I need some anxiety medicine. I swear to God that this video is really just an acid flashback.

Anyway, The Fat Boys are in a boxing ring standing behind Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini and Hector “Macho” Comacho while the two talk shit to each other–as boxers are wont to do. Then the Beach Boys pop up out of nowhere and start talking shit to The Fat Boys. In reality, The Fat Boys would’ve just rolled these fools up like basketballs and stuffed them into a giant meatball sub. Then, they would’ve promptly eaten them and rapped about hoes.

Instead, they go to the beach, rap in the limo, lift weights and watch people spontaneously change clothes.

Why it fails:

First of all, The Beach Boys made one good record , Pet Sounds, and it’s amazing. Everything else is suited for Sonic commercials that play on repeat in my own little personal hell. Secondly, The Beach Boys didn’t even write wipe out. What the fuck are they doing in the video?

9.) Kurtis Blow and Bob Dylan — Street Rock (1986)

They made the wise decision to refrain from producing a music video for this. It’s a shame too, because I would love to see Bob Dylan decked out in some fresh gear.

collaborations dylan blow

Image courtesy of Media.co.uk

Yup, scarves are gangsta!

The song starts out with a bizarre 4 bar rap by some nasally old white guy. Oh yeah, that’s Bob Dylan. He may be one of the greatest folk-rock poets to ever live, but dude is no Ice Cube. He’s not even Vanilla Ice. Also, Blow raps angsty, political lyrics in a happy, Fresh Prince style rhythm; all while managing to look like Lionel Richie’s creepier cousin.

Why it fails:

Well, did you read the part about Bob Dylan rapping? That is pretty much it. Oh yeah, and it’s an eight fucking minute rap song. Also, Kurtis Blow.

8.) Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting All for Love (1993)

You couldn’t squeeze more pussies into this song if you added all the Spice Girls as backup. All for Love was a musical collaboration that you could not escape from during the Summer of 1993.

It’s funny, the producers of The Three Musketeers thought, “We have this swashbuckling action comedy about three swordsmen. We need something just as cool for the soundtrack. I got it! Three non-threatening soft rock icons to make a song about love!”

Bad collaborations

Image courtesy of Hearya.com

Yeah Rod, that hairstyle’s never going out.

Well, for whatever reason, their plan worked. The song made it to number one, but at what price?

Why it fails:

The song is not atrocious by any means. I imagine, in your mom’s mind, the song did not fail at all….and that is why it fails.

7.) DMC and Sarah Mclachlan Just Like Me (2006)

Give him a break. It’s tricky to rock a rhyme with Sarah Mclachlan singing your hook. DMC, one third of Run DMC, put this song out in 2006. I had never heard it until I researched this article.

They sample the classic song, Cat’s in the Cradle, and DMC tries his hardest to sound modern. Instead, what we get, is an out of practice, over-the-hill rapper grasping at small strings of relevancy. Maybe he could have used someone a little more current to collaborate with other than ‘the cat lady of easy listening.” Was Natalie Merchant busy or something?

Why it fails:

DMC is out of his element. Sure, artists can grow and change, but they have to do that with the times. This ain’t Looper. Motherfuckers can just jump in and out of the industry and expect to sound current. Take heed MC Hammer.

6.) Limp Bizkit and Snoop Dogg Red Light, Green Light (2003)

Musical hemorrhoid, Fred Durst, once again proves what a D-bag he is on 2003′s Results may Vary. In this song about traffic, he spits out brilliant pieces of poetry like:

“Who steps through all agony, baby? Whose checks are bigger than me, baby?”

Snoop does his best to save the song, but this shit had cancer-aids from the beginning. Maybe if he would have called a doctor……

Dr. Dre

Image courtesy of Dabaseronline

Ain’t nobody got time fo’ Limp Bizkit. I’m in space, nigga! 

Why it fails:

Fred, “baby” does not rhyme with “baby.” Here is a list of words that rhyme with “baby:” scavies, rabies, lay me, hazy, 1980, gravy, maybe, lazy, Haiti, etc. The list goes on. You feel me, right?

Also, Snoop said that he was both the uncle of Durst and also, at one time, Little Bow Wow. Either he drank too much Easter colored Sprite or he has a time machine. Either way, Snoop’s reggae career might have contributed to this song appearing on this list.

5.) Elton John and George Michael Wrap her up (1985)

This musical collaboration between two of music’s most notoriously gay performers appeared on Elton John’s album, Ice on Fire. Boy, were they on fire!

The song, in which Michael sings in the background, is about all of the women that these two daredevils of love would like to wrap up and take home; like a Christmas present to themselves. It name drops Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth and Doris Day. I am surprised they didn’t say Judy, Babs or Liza.

In the video, John struts around in different outfits, dances in that 1980s kind of way and pulled off pretty much every gay cliche that one can while trying to live inside of a closet. That bastard is so rich, it’s probably a walk in.

Why it fails:

George Michael, does not, in any shape or form, show up anywhere in the video. My guess is he got held up at a truck stop somewhere. But this song did accomplish one thing: it was a number one hit on the male bathhouse circuit. Trust me, it goes great with poppers.

4.) Metallica and Lou Reed Lulu (2011)

Metallica can’t be stopped. Especially when they have a terrible idea. Most of the performers on this list made one bad choice (or two), but Metallica is like the Nic Cage of metal. Instead of teaming up with Reed for one song, they amassed an entire albums worth of material.

In the video for the song, The View, Lou Reed trembles on one side of the stage while Hetfield obsessively lip synchs Reed’s words. I don’t know if Reed is trembling from his oldness or if he is really just scared the Hetfield is about to go Jeffrey Dahmer on him.

Why it fails:

You would think that someone, anyone, would have said, “This doesn’t sound all too appealing,” but no, the music industry failed us. Metallica’s hearing aids failed us. Even Darren Aronofsky, who directed this video failed us. I mean, Natalie Portman doesn’t masturbate in the video once. She’s not even in it. I rest my case.

3.) DJ Kool and Macho Man Hit the Floor (2003)

Sometimes, you don’t even have to be a rapper to make a rap song. Just ask “Macho Man” Randy Savage. You will have to kill yourself first, because he’s dead, but whatever. Macho Man snapped more than just Slim Jims in his day. He also snapped bad bitches with his Macho cock.

In 2003, he pile drove the rap game with DJ Kool on Hit the Floor; an ode to clubbin’. I am sure the Macho Man was a real mover and shaker on the dance floor. He would have to be careful though, he might just cause injury to other dancers with some of that flair coming off of his ridiculous costumes.

Worst collabs

Image courtesy of WWE

Hey, Macerana

Why it fails:

It doesn’t. The Macho Man doesn’t fail at anything…unless he is having a heart attack. Then, and only then, he fails…at driving. I say this in hopes that his ghost won’t haunt me and do a diving elbow drop on my balls while I am asleep.

2.) John Travolta and Olivia Newton John I think you Might Like it (2012)

In 2012, around the time the world was supposed to end, Olivia Newton John said, “Fuck it, let’s go out on a terrible Christmas album.”

Travolta thought, “Well, I’m a Scientologist, so Christmas is not really my thing, but money is, so yeah.”

Together, Danny and Sandy aka Vinnie and that chick from the “Physical” video, set out to aid in the world’s destruction by releasing this awful video on the suffering masses. Unfortunately for them, the world did not end. Unfortunately for me, neither did this album at my Grandmother’s Christmas party. She played it on repeat until New Year’s. Fuck you, Grandma!

Why it fails:

Besides, in every way imaginable, no one has uttered the names John Travolta and Olivia Newton John in the same sentence since 1979 and even then, it was just a sound they made while vomiting.I almost didn’t include this section on this particular entry. If you are anyone other than Helen Keller, it is pretty easy to understand why this song fails.

1.) Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson What’s up with you? (1993)

The year was 1993. Eddie Murphy was still on drugs and Michael Jackson was still on children.

Murphy spent most of the 80s making fun of MJ, but when it came time to record his third studio album, Jackson readily agreed to participate in the song and the video. I think it’s because he heard there were going to be a bunch of little boys in it….and there were.

The video features Murphy in a cartoon cloud world with flowers and elephants. It makes total sense for Jackson to pop up and scare the shit out of everyone with his fake face and robot moves. Murphy sings the entire song out of his nose, but at least MJ is entertained by all the sweet nothings Murphy keeps whispering into his ear.

Why it fails:

If I want to see Axel Foley hang out with a small, Asian boy, I will watch The Golden Child again.

 

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About the Author

Stanton Brasher
stanton beiber

Stanton is a grown ass man. Don't you forget that. He also likes superhero movies, chocolate milk and pajamjams. Grown man shit.

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