Film Hipster: 6 Sequels you probably forgot about (and for good reason)

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Posted July 17, 2013 by Stanton Brasher in COLUMNS
Next Karate Kid Miyagi

Rehashes, remakes, rebirths, afterbirths, prequels, and epic trilogies have become all the rage since the 1970s. Studios and writers a like love the idea of revisiting characters, retelling the same stories and inserting random tidbits of new story into existing plots. The granddaddy of this marketing ploy–the Sequels –started it all. A lot of times, sequels surpass their predecessors in quality or success. Other times, however, we forget that they made “Iron Eagle 27: Federal Steel Reserve.” Here are a few you probably wanted to forget about.

6.The Dead Pool (Dirty Harry 5 –1988)

Liam Neeson and Jim Carrey star alongside Clint Eastwood in this family comedy about a hard ass detective who has run out of steam. Meanwhile, people are murdering rock singers!

Basically, Harry has become a crime fighting icon in San Francisco. This is never a good thing when your job is to deal with people that want you dead. It’s the same reason why Superman, Batman and Spiderman must wear masks: you don’t want them to find you and you don’t want them to kill you. Speaking of which, Liam Neeson is in this sequel.

dirty harry liam neeson

Image courtesy of Warner Bros

I can speak with you, Clint. For I know the language of the chairs.

Fortunately for Harry, there are other non crime-fighting celebrities in the city that act as a buffer between him and the criminal organization that is out to get him. This organization happens to be holding a contest as to who can kill the most local celebrities.

Why it’s awful

This was the lowest grossing sequel of the franchise. It had critics calling it “tired,” “uninspired” and “boring.”  I think the scene from the video below sums up the terrible idea of the movie. Oh yeah, and its 1980s is showing.

5. Shock Treatment (Rocky Horror Picture Show — 1981)

Brad and Janet keep getting into sexually deviant situations and then promptly burst into song. These guys need to chill on the LSD and Spanish fly. In this sequel, starring none of the original cast members that mattered (Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Meat-Bitch Tits-Loaf, Tim Curry), the newly weds end up in Denton, U.S.A. (home of the Sofa King News office) where they partake in a strange game show.

Held captive, the two have no choice but to play the crazy game.

Now, outside of Denton, this plot may seem weird, but this shit happens all the time.

Sequels shock treatment

Image courtesy of 20th Century Fox

Looks like the Dean from “Community” was a doctor before he went to Greendale.

Why it’s awful

For one thing, the much more talented Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick are nowhere to be found. Instead, they are replaced by unknowns who went on to do practically nothing. That could be forgiven if the music or the plot was in decent shape. (SPOILER) It’s not.

4. The Exorcist III

Great George C. Scott! This sequel to one of the scariest films of all-time is awesome in that terribly awful sense. It has the beloved Scott as a detective on the hunt for a serial killer that has some surprisingly religious connotations behind his killings.

Brad Dourif, the voice of Chucky (Child’s Play), plays the possessed serial killer. That alone gives this movie a few fun points. Especially when he makes a nice reference to his popular character.

Sequels Exorcist III

Image courtesy of Morgan Creek Productions

Your mother sucks cocks in Florida!

Why it’s awful

Exorcist II: The Heretic has this movie beat for being truly terrible. It also has the movie beat for being truly memorable. A low budget and an inexperienced director made this movie pretty unfrightening. However, Dourif kicks ass at acting fucking weird.

3. Soldier (Blade Runner — 1998)

Snake Pliskin (Kurt Russell) plays a soldier who gets dumped on some desolate planet and takes up with a bunch of survivors. This is after he is proven obsolete (and thought dead) by a younger killing machine.

Over time, the survivors teach him to be human again. Also, they need him to be a killing machine to save them from the younger soldiers that rendered him useless in the first place. Luckily, he’s Snake Pliskin.

Sequels soldier snake pliskin

Image courtesy of Warner Bros

I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

Why it’s awful

It’s not. Violence is awesome, but it doesn’t work much as a sequel to Blade Runner. The writer calls it a “sidequel” because it takes place in the same universe. Fair enough.

2. The Next Karate Kid (1994)

Mr. Miyagi enrolls a new student in the art of kick-assery. Since Ralph Macchio was too busy looking like a 15-year-old in 1994, the studios decided to launch a new era of the Karate Kid franchise with future Oscar winner, Hilary Swank.

The new student, harboring anger since the death of her parents, turns to the karate master to teach her self control and enlightenment.

Terrible sequels

Image courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Microphone check. 1, 2. 1,2.

 

Why it’s awful

Watching women get beat up is awesome. Great idea for a movie!

 

1.Happily Ever After (Snow White — 1990)

Your whole life, you were lied to… You believed Snow White and the Fresh Prince of Fairy Tale Land lived happily ever after. Why would you believe such a lie? Because the damn movie told you that. It’s not your fault. Keep breathing into the bag until the stars go away.

Better now? Moving on…Happily Ever After takes place after the events of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. On her way to visit her little friends, the Prince’s brother kidnaps Snow White’s hunk and takes him into hell.

Snow White must get her army of Danny Devitos and Peter Dinklages to save her man.

sequels you forgot

Image courtesy of Filmmation

Damn you Don Bluth for ruining my childhood. I know you didn’t have anything to do with this film, but I still blame you.

Why it’s awful

It’s a sequel to a Disney film, yet it was not made by Disney. The animation looks like it was made for Saturday Morning TV. I could keep going, but watch this awful clip instead.

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About the Author

Stanton Brasher
stanton beiber

Stanton is a grown ass man. Don't you forget that. He also likes superhero movies, chocolate milk and pajamjams. Grown man shit.

  • http://www.edsgarageblog.com efpierce

    How do you know this stuff?! I am quite possibly the biggest RHPS fan and I didn’t know about the sequel, I heard about and skipped Exorcist III and how does someone go about learning that there was a sequel to Snow White? You have just cemented the fact that your blog is incredible!

    • Stanton Brasher

      Thanks dude! I am enjoying your blog as well at http://www.edsgarageblog.com/ . I am always in need of automobile advice. Haha.

  • Sara

    For Shock Treatment, you stated, “In this sequel, starring none of the original cast members,…”
    It stars 4 of the original 10 cast members. Is that not enough? Check out imdb.com; it has a lot of useful information.

    • Stanton Brasher

      Thanks Sara. I fixed it just for you.

      • Sara

        Nice fix! (I reread my comment…sorry for being smart at the end. I should try to be kinder with my words.)

        • Stanton Brasher

          It’s all good. We encourage all forms of smart assery. :-)

  • Anonymous

    Snake was from Escape from New York, not Blade Runner.

  • Stanton Brasher

    You are absolutely right. Snake Plisken was not in Blade Runner. However, he was in Escape from New York, Escape from LA, Soldier, Big Trouble in Little China, and Overboard. Snake Plisken is not only a bad ass, he’s an actor with wonderful range as well.

  • Anonymous

    Caddy Shack 2

  • Bludclot

    After seeing the list i decided to watch Happily Ever After.. top 10 worst decision in my life

  • HoraceRay

    Oh my god, I genuinely didn’t remember half of these films even existed. I was about to knock you for calling “Soldier” bad, until I realized you didn’t. Great article, easy read!

  • KillaMike69

    I actually have the Next Karate Kid on dvd, it came with the Karate Kid box set I bought a while back. lol Any Exorcist movie that has come out since the original has been pretty much crap. The Exorcist is a classic that even today can make your skin crawl while watching it.

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