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SNF: Captain Kirk Vs Han Solo

SNF: Captain Kirk Vs Han Solo

SNF Presents A Tale Of Two Captains: Han Solo Vs. James T. Kirk

Welcome to Sunday Night Fights, where we pit two fictional characters against each other in a fight to the death, all for our amusement and edification, to see who would come out the victor. It is then turned over to the audience to decide by voting in the poll and leaving us their rationale in the comments. The combatants are limited only to the resources the they would have readily available to them on any given day and we try not to let things end in a draw. Outside of that, there really are no rules…

So sit back, kick your feet up and enjoy the intergalactic ride. Also you’ll want to make sure to buckle up and keep a tarp handy because this ride’s about to get bumpy and ugly.

We got the writers together with just one question in mind. Who would win in a fight – Captain Kirk or Han Solo? Here’s what they said…

So as to makes sure Han doesn’t shoot first. Captain James T. Kirk comes out swinging…

Camp Kirk

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Thomas Duder: CAPTAIN KIRK DOUBLE AXE-HANDLE BACK BLOW!  KIRK RUSSIAN TACKLE!!!! CAPTAIN KIRK RISING DOUBLE AXE-HANDLE BLOW!

I’m voting for Captain Kirk.  His moves are cooler than Han Solo’s, and his acting is worse in an entertaining fashion. Plus he’s The Shat. Period. Dude just wants to give you the best prices for airline ti-::shuts up::

…suffice it to say, he was in one of the best episodes of The Twilight Zone ever. But if we don’t wanna go actor versus actor, I’m cool with that too.

Han Solo did one thing that really impressed me, when he just shot Vader during the Cloud City betrayal. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t try to move out of the way, back up or even go forward. He just shot the fucker.

Now, Kirk on the other hand, is a plethora of fighty-fight-fight moves, violence and sex. He did (and does, following the new movies) absolutely nothing by the book, save if it was cool or not.

I write like that, so yeah… gotta go with Kirk.

The Rising Double Axe-Handle Blow is the Dragon Punch of cinema. ;3

Cajun Samurai: My vote goes for Mr. James Tiberus Kirk. Why? This is a man that has, time and time again proven that he refuses to die. He’s fought against demonic machines, hostile alien forces, gods of all shapes and sizes, thawed out supermen from the 1990’s, even his own CREW, and has always found some way to survive.

When the choice comes down to A or B, Captain will push and push to find that illusive “C” . Oh, but what’s that I hear you say? He died in “Star Trek: Generations”? I got two words for you: Alternate Universe. ::drops the Microphone::

Bonafide Jones: Han has one thing going for him in this fight and one thing only. He comes from the superior sci-fi universe. Outside of that, this really isn’t even a contest.

Han is a smuggler who can make the the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs – whatever the fuck that means. He pilots a freighter retrofitted for smuggling, that usually starts after you kick it a few times. Kirk is an incredibly well trained Starfleet officer in command of the fleet’s flagship, whose exploits are, honestly, too numerous to list.

The hand-to-hand aspect is pretty easily given to Kirk. The few times we’ve seen Han try to get rough with people it didn’t turn out to well for him, while Kirk is a straight brawler. This guy has made short work out of many a combatant. And has even been able to stand up to those he’s out-classed by, such as Kahn and Spock. Han is pretty handy with a blaster, and while it stays in this realm, Kirk’s in for a pretty rough time. But it won’t. Getting out of sticky situations and back to his ship is one of Kirk’s many specialties. And it’s here where the captain of the Millenium Falcon will be amazingly out-classed, and meet his demise – like so many others have.

Remember kids, this isn’t a contest of which sci-fi franchise you prefer. And it’s not a matter of who you think looks better in awkward spandex jump-suits. This is a question of who has the means, knowledge and experience to see the other eliminated – all of which go to Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

Roseanna Nicholson: My vote is for Captain Kirk. They are both badasses, but Kirk is more of a badass. And more importantly, he just has more means than Han. Also, Han lost so many points from me because of the ‘I know’ incident. Sorry, bro. 

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Kirk +4

Yet it seems the force is strong with the rouge. And not to be outdone, Han blasts back…

Camp Solo

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Brent Dow: I’m a Trek fan because of my dad, but I have unfortunately seen the “Kirk” in enough fight scenes, to know what’s going to happen here. Go Han! 

Kirk didn’t even know where to “groin kick” an alien in Star Trek 6, he had to be told by a chameleon alien. Han is “space street” wise and would have known something like that.

Heather Glidwell: Han Solo hands down. He knows how to play both sides. Though Kirk would put up a fight Solo would win the battle all the way.

Drew “Porno” Maggs: I’m going with Han, the man’s a stone cold mercenary who knows his way around a blaster. Set Kirk to stun.

Stanton Brasher: While Kirk was the first, Han was the best. Plus, he rolls with a wookie. And before anyone talks about how awesome Spock is, Yoda is just a phone call away for Han…and Yoda would fuck up some Vulcan ass. Plus, if we really want to get down to it, Han has the faster ship. Kirk couldn’t even outrun the ass whoopin’.

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Solo +4

As stated earlier, we really don’t like to let things end in a draw. So to break this stalemate we reached out to the makers of Zero Charisma, a great nerd flick you should check out to give us their opinion. With baited breath and tensions EXTREMELY high we awaited their response. Here’s what they said…

I guess we’d say Han Solo would win because he’d be willing to fight dirty.
Thanks!
Katie & Andrew

So the tie break settles it. And with that ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the winner of this epic battle to the death…

Winner

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Captain James Tiberius Kirk

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IF. You’ve been paying attention to the score count you… might be wondering why… Kirk would be declared the victor? Well, in that case. I’ve got… just two words for you…

Kobayashi.

Maru.

Deal with it.

Goodnight my dear Sofa King and Queens. Live long… and prosper and… may the force be with you…
I’ve got some green poon to smash.

We now turn it over to you dear readers. Have an opinion on this? Think you know who would win? Vote in the poll and let us know why you think your pick would win in the comments below!

“It (The Millenium Falcon) can make point five above light speed”

~Han Solo, Captain of The Millenium Falcon – Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

 

About The Author

Bonafide Jones is a freak in the streets and a lady in the sheets. He's also EIC of Anime, Comics and Video Games here at SFN. Follow him on Facebook and junk.

Awesome Comments

  • Roseanna Nicholson

    Of course I voted for you, Captain Kirk.

    • ThomasDuder

      AWESOME!

  • Joshua Knighten

    Kirk today, Kirk tomorrow, KIRK FOREVER!!!